i HAVE to be more raw, honest, and unabashedly authentic or else i will be betraying myself. what makes me sick to my stomach is when i live on auto-pilot, functioning out of habit and that dreary bored feeling of "daily living", only to wake up suddenly full of regret and feeling like a complete fraud. it's easy to live day to day without questioning, without thinking, without comprehending what everything means to me and my role in relation to it. i have to consciously remind myself of the insanity of being alive in order to get out of auto-pilot mode. sometimes, my favorite thing to do is to be in the most man-made structure, the most socially constructed settings far removed from nature such as: grocery stores, shopping malls, or an office building, and just stand there and comprehend time and space and the weirdness of creation. i have to comprehend the pores inside my face in the mirror to understand that i am a beautiful self-conscious-meat-machine. a human being. i feel small and alive at the same time. my brain has an interesting defense mechanism where it refuses to comprehend this fully in order to function in daily life. unless in deep states of meditation, or on some sort of mind-altering substance such as psychedelics. i think if i were to fully comprehend both my subsconscious, unconscious, and conscious mind at all times, i would experience something akin to ego death. since all is connected, then all sense of self would shattered if i were to find out the truth. that's why having an ego and having a sense of self allow one to function around others.
one of my favorite books of all time, a book that shattered everything i was taught is the denial of death by ernest becker. i'm going to create a webpage dedicated to some of my favorite excerpts that better explain my reflection here.
my brain ~ 8/28
during certain periods of my life, my mind feels like a cursed thing. sometimes i overthink so hard that my thoughts start to have their own thoughts and i feel like i have multiple brains working at the same time. this happens the most when i am especially overstimulated by many things going on around me. being overstimulated by the world around me sometimes gives me a rush, because my brain goes into pure overdrive, pure immersing myself full-throttle into my surroundings, making me forget my own self-consciousness. or is this just normal and how most people think? except i am aware of the way my frontal cortex, hippocampus, amygdala, nerves and all working together? the amygdala being aware of my surroundings, of sounds, of smells, of the particular way others are around me so that i can gauge how to interact: wary for signs of threat and where safety is. subconsciously striving for homeostasis in any particular environment. my frontal cortex navigating complex situations and problem solving, interactions, coming up with the perfect responses to different scenarios i run into. the description of how my amygdala and reptilian brain navigate through life only remind me of states of meditation. when i meditate i take in all the sensory input around me and condense it into a sort of relaxed hypnosis or taoist state, where thoughts float away like water. i feel boundless. i feel infinite. my brain and nerves work ad-infitinum just so i can experience life. is that not the most miraculous thing?
there's no words to describe ~ 8/28
there's no words i can use to accurately describe what it feels like to have half of your mind still in touch with reality, at least enough to be somewhat self-aware that you are losing yourself, and the other half experiencing a full-fledged panic attack teetering on delusions and dreadful paranoia, fearful that others are out to hurt you and that seemingly small things are divine symbols and signs from God. i would say the closest description to this experience would be gilles deleuze and félix guattari's "Body Without Organs" (BWO):
there is a sort of disorganization of the ordinary structure of self. the feeling of panic verging on psychosis is both terrifying and involuntary, while the BWO is theorized as a philosophical/creative rupture.
intensity without form: the panic attacks are pure intensity, heart racing, sweating, terror. without a clear object. the BWO is described similarly: flows of energy without the usual organizing systems.
pattern overload/dissolution: in psychosis, pattern recognition overloads. everything connects to everything until meaning collapses. the BWO is also about undoing rigid connections to allow new ones.
ambivalence of freedom/terror: for deleuze & guattari, the BWO can be liberating or destructive. similarly, panic-psychosis feels like being annihilated (destructive), but also like touching some raw, unmediated reality. the feeling of touching another boundless reality no longer connected to social constructs and materiality is what terrified me, with the feeling of death and destruction leaving me off balance, unable to function in normal daily situations.
unmooring from the “self”: both experiences can involve losing the boundaries between self/world, inside/outside, control/uncontrol.
SSRI withdrawal, or why i'm never quitting cold turkey again ~ 8/28
what is it like to have a panic attack? today i had a severe panic attack, to where i could no longer function and i felt as if i was going to die. a huge wave of impending doom, dread, and fear took over my brain. it felt like pattern recognition on overdrive: no longer did patterns exist except my brain on a form primivite overdrive, succumbing to absolute fear as if i were a prey being hunted. rarely do i ever get panic attacks. but i did this time. why? i quit paroxetine cold turkey for three days, driven by the same body dysmorphia that has haunted me for years. i didn't notice anything different until day 3, and by then it was too late. i want to emphasize that out of all the SSRi's paroxetine is the hardest to quit, and has the worst withdrawal symptoms even while tapering down slowly. one can only imagine what happens when you quit cold turkey. some possible withdrawal symptoms include hallucinations, seizures, heart damage, mania, brain zaps, confusion, insomnia . . .
i hurried through my morning routine, unaware that dread and nausea were already creeping through me. i figured the nausea was from having coffee on an empty stomach, and i chalked the dread down to my usual nervousness on my work days that usually resolves on its own. this time it was different. something felt off. by the time i arrived to work early, i realized i could not function, and there was no way i would be able to handle any responsibilities. i not only was feeling nauseous, but dizzy, my heart was pounding, i was becoming extremely paranoid to the point of having delusions. when listening to music on my headphones, each lyric and beat felt like a divine message created solely for me. i felt abnormally attached to god and the divine. i started having delusions that the people around me were out to get me, and this is when i freaked out and realized my withdrawal symptoms were making me lose myself. it felt like reality was a simulation and i was seeing the horrifying truth for a moment even though i did not want to. i got scared i was on the verge of psychosis or mania, my brain couldn't think straight, it was hard just to say hi to a coworker because my mind felt primitive and no longer in touch with reality. the feeling of no longer being able to perceive reality accurately further added to my intense anxiety and feeling that death was near. i tried as hard as i could with all my willpower to stay calm: deep breaths, trying to think logically, trying to act like angela normally would: calm, collected, unbothered . . . it's hard to do that when what you're experiencing isn't just mere anxiety, but something biological, a chemical change within the brain. that can't be solved with deep breathing and positive thoughts.
well, i walked onto my unit and realize there was absolutely no way i could safely work. every sound around me was amplified by 1000 and i quickly became overwhelmed just from existing there. i talked to my manager, telling her my symptoms, apologizing, and emphasizing how i would be unable to deliver safe patient care in the ill state i am in. i did not antipicate this happening and thought i would be able to work. the guilt of not being able to work, and leaving so last minute before my shift was about to start, consumed me. i felt like i betrayed everyone, like i was a horrible employee who disappoints everyone. i do care deeply, and hate to cause disruptions and stress for others. obviously, i was not thinking straight and the overwhelming guilt further added to my nervous breakdown. i started hyperventalating on my way downstairs and a coworker saw me and was concerned for me. i got my mom to drive me home and on the drive home i was screaming, crying, tachypnic, convinced i would die, convinced everyone hated me and that i was a horrible human being, consumed by dread and paranoia. finally, i took my dose at home and let out all my neuroses. my vital signs were ok, but i felt chest pain and felt like i couldn't breathe. i had to lay in bed to calm down. i kept crying and asking my boyfriend and parents for reassurance that i'm not gonna be punished and that i'm not a horrible person. talk about dramatic... but that's what a panicked state leaves me in.
i have a hard time opening up to people about my struggles because i feel like mental health is still so taboo to talk about. i've been reading "the collected schizophrenias" by esme weijun wang and one excerpt stood out to me in particular:
"among psychiatric researchers, having a job is considered one of the major characteristics of being a high-functioning person. [...] employment remains the primary marker of someone who is high-functioning, as having a job is the most reliable sign that you can pass in the world as normal. most critically, a capitalist society values productivity in its citizens above all else, and those with severe mental illness are much less likely to be productive in ways considered valuable. our society demands what chinese poet chuang tzu describes in his poem "active life":
'Produce! Get results! Make money! Make friends! Make changes! Or you will die of despair.'
this explained so much as to why i was overwhelmed by guilt. yes i was having a panic attack, but mental health *interfering* with one's ability to work further compounds the feeling that i am a failure to society, because it leaves one feeling they they are no longer a high-functioning human being. if i was just sick with the flu or a cold, at least it's an easy explanation and it's something that could happen to anyone. but being unable to work due to a mental health crisis particularly feels taboo and humiliating. a voice pops in my head telling me: "why can't you just function normally like the rest of us?". technically, it was also a health crisis considering the withdrawal component leading to severe sensory changes and heart palpitations.
in everyday conversation, it's uncommon for people to talk about their innermost troubles, their traumas, their anxieties, the moments spent crying alone under stress, the yearning or the loneliness. let's face it, what it means to function in society goes against how our ancestors lived, you'd have to be insane to truly be functioning "normal" in our society with zero mental health issues, unless i'm just *that* jaded and unable to comprehend a human who is able to cope perfectly with zero issues. i guess in a way the appearance of normalcy of everyone around me keeps me feeling alone in my struggles. but i'm not alone. everyone has a story, and most of them do stay strong and power through life just as i have. their story is seen in the eyes, and the things we both intuitively know of each other but never spoken about, because again that doesn't follow social normalcy unless one has fostered a vulnerable enough relationship with that person. we are all connected to everything and each other without realizing it.
i want to emphasize that my writing on this matter may sound more dramatic and dreadful than is needed, and that is because i still am in the throes of panic as all of this only happened 2.5 hours ago. i am fearful that i permanently damaged my brain by quitting cold turkey. i hope to reverse all the damage i have caused myself. i genuinely want to become better, i want to be a healthy functioning human being, i want to contribute to society and to humanity. i hate this crushing sense of unreliability, as if my mind itself is betraying me. my own mind feels alien, as if i've been locked inside a body i no longer recognize. i have never in my life felt what it was like to have delusions or psychosis, and now i'm scared my brain is more "prone" to these episodes after experiencing it for the first time. it terrified me so much, and it felt uncontrollable no matter how much i tried to keep myself grounded in reality. to anyone who is taking SSRI's and thinking of quitting, please for the love of god consult with your doctor first before making the stupid and impulsive decision i did, and always taper off slowly. quitting SSRI's cold turkey is legitimately dangerous and can land you in the hospital either from physical complications or full-fledged psychosis. i was so close to that. who knows what would happen if i decided to stay at work for those 8 hours. i feared that i would have a full-fledged manic state in front of everyone. i'm glad i went home and took my meds and rested. i still feel scared over what i felt but i hope i can feel better.
if nothing else, this terror taught me how serious withdrawal must be taken. imagine if one were withdrawing from alcohol or opioids? just from 3 days of not taking my SSRI, this ended up happening and i thought i would have a seizure or hallucinations. when i was younger i was one of those people who romanticized mental illness and the "tortured artist" trope. in actuality, mental illness has hindered me in so many ways and kept me from reaching my full potential. i can function on my meds, and from now on i will take them every single day and never miss a dose. i never want to experience that ever again. being grounded in reality is a gift, i will never take it for granted. hell, being sober is a gift. i am so insanely lucky. i am grateful for the life i have, no matter how hard it gets.
there's nothing like SSRI withdrawal. i don't think words can ever fully describe how unstoppable all the horrible feelings and sensory perceptions are. it has to be experienced to be understood. the withdrawal is so much worse than regular old depression. SSRI withdrawal is to depression what heroin is to opium. my nerves felt tingling and weak, i got brain zaps every time i moved my eyes, things were starting to feel dreamlike, as if i were right inside the thin line distinguishing the true reality from the illusion we currently call reality.
TL;DR:
i wish i looked cute in baby bangs ~ 8/26
i've been experimenting with my style lately and figuring out what looks best on me. i tried multiple times to cut my bangs into baby bangs. but every time, it makes me face look rounder and fatter, and overall look frumpy/silly to where i can't even take myself seriously in the mirror. short hair with baby bangs makes me look insanely young and cutesy to the point where i feel completely de-sexualized and unfeminine, basically less of a woman and more like a child. i realized that as much as i'd love to be the type of girl who's a true winter and can pull off baby bangs, mauve lipstick, and the color black, i was always meant for: side bangs, browns/creams/pastels, and hot pink/red lipstick. i just look silly with baby bangs, even though they are the epitome of what i feel i represent.
i've had to be more honest about the way i should style myself. yes i love wearing black but truthfully, the color black swallows me whole and overwhelms me. i look softer and cuter with browns, reds, and pastel colors. i was meant for a softer look rather than bold. i want to own a black rick owens leather jacket so badly, and i'm trying to figure out how i will pull that off? i think i still can: with dark red lipstick, leather boots, skinny trousers, and heavy black eyeliner. but most of all to take on my alter ego and throw away all sense of "demureness" "niceness" and care for the world. i noticed when i wear black something about it feels unnatural for me these days. i am not a winter in terms of color analysis. if i were to take my best guess, i'd say i'm more of a true summer.
what looks cute on me:
cool browns, creams, ivory, peach, light pinks, lavender, baby blue, mint. i can pull off black *sometimes* depending on the way i style it and the fabric + fit
silver jewelry, nothing rugged or heavy
heels. heels. heels. and leather boots that are NOT chunky or platform
my hair in a bun, or with slight waves
side bangs, or bangs that are slightly pushed to the side
mori-kei, sweet and classic lolita, himekaji, old-school jfashion, gyaru, cyberdoll, living doll aesthetic, visual kei, some y2k styles (*not* juicy couture or tacky neon colors), choco girl, coastal cowgirl or western styles (look oddly amazing on me)
gothic: only if a lot of white colors are incorporated on top of OTT goth makeup (white foundation), otherwise it looks odd on me
silver/glitter eyeshadow
velvet fabrics, gobelin, wool, lace
skirts that either end above the knee or mid-thigh
what looks off on me (or what i don't feel good wearing):
coral colored makeup
dark red, brown, mauve, nude, or warm toned lipsticks
fishnets, heavily patterned fabrics, gold, mesh
light colored contacts
circle-shaped glasses
plum colors and jewel tones
mermaidcore/coconut girl, most goth styles, office siren, avant garde, visual kei, bohemian, cottagecore, e-girl, fairy grunge, kidcore, dark academia, clean girl. coquette or dollette (oversaturated and giving shein/fast fashion)
baggy pants
chunky platforms, sneakers, ballet flats
v-necks, denim jackets, bell bottoms
any dark, warm-toned, neon, or heavy eyeshadow
most false eyelashes (sadly make my eyes look smaller or droopier, can weigh my face down and make me look old)
baby bangs or a middle part
most bodycon dresses or bodycon skirts, and anything showing a lot of cleavage
olive greens and khakis
maxi skirts, long skirts. always makes me look shorter and frumpy
anything trendy or fast fashion. streetwear.
picking up the pieces - 8/25
slowly picking up the pieces of who i once was.
i cut off all of my friends except one this year, and for a reason. i used to have a fun and exciting life: trips to sf nearly every week, non-stop partying, meeting new people all the time, living life nearly on the edge with an empty bank account, driving my beat-up dodge durango to an oakland warehouse rave alone. parents not knowing what i'm up to while i'm hopping on bart trains just to meet a stranger off of bumble and crashing at her place in an impulsive manic frenzy during a jealous heartbreak with my lover. all while being a full time student in nursing school.
i used to have a fun life. i had to cut off all my friends, and i don't regret it. it took strength and courage to cut them off and choose what was best for me, to finally stand up for myself instead of enabling people's shitty behavior. one of my friends, who i met in nursing school, was extremly racist, bigoted, and classist, and she projected all her insecurities onto others. she would make small digs and negs at me every time we hung out, and i didn't realize she was bullying me until way later. another was very fun to party with and be around, but she also fetishized queer people to an extreme, had a porn addiction that seeped into every conversation she had, and our friendship was very one-sided, with me inviting her to fun raves and going to bars, me driving us, with her never putting the same effort i ever did. i felt unwanted. another friend of mine matched with me very well in our political and moral views, our sense of humor, but the downside was that i was being treated like her therapist at times and i was left feeling drained. and she was still ironically male-centered despite our discussions on radical feminism. she would gossip to me about her other friends to and it made me lose trust in her. the final straw was when she told a big lie to me.
now i only have one best friend and my boyfriend left. my best friend moved to sf and i miss her a lot at times. my boyfriend was forced to move abroad and i miss him so much at times that it hurts. i get very, extremely lonely, and romanticize the past a lot. the nights out until 4 am partying in san francisco, living off of stimulants, dancing to jungle & drum n bass music at forest raves, feeling invinsible, young and free.
i now have a job and the responsibilities of adulthood are hitting me full force, and it has been difficult for me to cope. i feel like a 25 year old teenager. i live with my parents and spend a lot of my paycheck on clothing, makeup, perfume, and expensive interior decor from crate and barrel so i can feel somewhat like a real adult. i am having my quarter life crisis. basically, i have no idea what direction my life is heading and i feel lost. yes, i now have a "career" after attaining a bachelor's, and realizing: is this it? am i supposed to be considered successful? according to my parents, i am. but i feel like an utter failure more than i ever have. i strangely feel like i have betrayed myself for the sake of meeting my parent's expectations of me and fitting into what society molded me to be. the funny thing is that i am aware i won't really do anything overt about it. the only choice i feel i can make is this: create more art, have more fun, be more experimental, blast aphex twin while overdosing on caffeine, go to sf every single week, watch avant garde arthouse films, dress in lolita as much as possible, write as much as possible, read more, research more, be insatiably curious, forget about money, forget about pleasing others. have the occasional mental breakdown essential for character development (already happened a hundred times over). be vulnerable and genuinely connect with people (extremely difficult for me given how i was raised)
i have been experiencing a major depressive episode since january of this year. i go in and out of suicidal thoughts but most of all my extreme self-hatred is consistent. i'm aware it is a waste of my life and my youth to wallow like that. i have to create meaning or else i will be consumed by my trauma and resentment of even being born into this world. i do not say this for no reason, nor am i trying to present myself as ungrateful. i had a genuinely difficult life and i'm surprised i turned out as functioning as i am despite all the fucked up shit that i've had to experience at the hands of being raised by a dad who was an insane batshit crazy narcissist. he died while i was in nursing school. i still see some parts of him within my personality, strongly at times. it drives me insane. but i know i am my own person. i have a complicated relationship with god. i hate god for the life i was dealt with as a child: the abuse i suffered, all the bullying, being treated like i was nothing, like i was stupid, like i was ugly. but i still feel insanely lucky and divinely protected. my life is completely different now, and it is hard to believe at times. i could have ended up homeless and addicted to drugs, another statistic like many people who have been through what i have. my older half-brother ended up like that. addicted to alcohol, job-hopping, crashing at people's place, and now he's dangerous to be around.
anyways, not like any of it matters any more. it's hard to believe i'm no longer afraid that i could be killed in my own household. for most of my life i lived in fight-or-flight mode in my own house. no wonder i'm so mentally fucked. i still have dreams that my father is still alive, and in every one of those dreams i am finally standing up against him for all the suffering he inflicted onto me and my mom. Rot in hell, fucker.
i do appear high-functioning on the outside but in private i suffer from a whole host of issues: major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, bulimia nervosa, body dysmorphic disorder, CPTSD... none of them make me who i am though. they're just illnesses. i am far more than that. i'd rather be honest to myself about it all than live in denial.
5/26/25
"Thou shalt not wear raschel-topped socks with a torchon lace blouse"
5/26/25
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5/26/25
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5/24/25
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i haven't been reading any books lately, as i seem to have misplaced my kindle. i'm realizing i vastly prefer non-fiction over fiction but the tradeoff is that non-fiction is more difficult for me to digest and takes longer for me to read. i like the idea of being the type of girl who reads fiction books by kafka and dostoevsky, but naturally i gravitate more towards neitszche, simone de beauvoir, freude, and carl jung... i love love love existential philosophy and psychoanalysis.
i'm really excited to go to fanime tomorrow for the j-fashion / lolita event! i'm debating whether i should wear my Symphonia of Birds coord or my Dream Fantastic Balloon coord. I'm hoping to buy a few accessories + jewelry, attend the EGL fashion show, take lots of pics, and go to an underground rave after.
5/22/25
"you're too nice, you're too sweet"
my response: everything in our society is designed to destroy compassion and empathy because if you suddenly understood all the suffering in the world and your interconnectedness to it all, you'd fall to your knees and weep in the streets.
5/21/25
you said my stare was too intense. i stare because i want to see you, i want my pupils to be your nest. i want your pupils to be my nest. i want to crawl inside you so that you finally understand. so that we're not alone. so that you finally see me. my deepest need is to be seen, because i see everything
5/19/25 ~ my brain is a cursed thing
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in terms of "practical adult life", i have become aware of how unabashedly horrible with money i am. first, i have a shopping addiction, and before working i would usually thrift with the little allowance i had. now, i have an income and in the span of one week i have spent over $1000 on fashion alone, here is what i bought:
List in order:
Moi Meme Moitie Lace Pattern OTKs ~ $49
Dolls Party - Newspaper Doll Pillowcase purse ~ $30
i'm gonna throw up i PAID $400 FOR CHOCOLATE CHESS STORY OP. this is my most expensive purchase yet... ;-;.. i can't believe i can finally afford this. So far I have matching brown wristcuffs and a matching brown BTSSB clock purse. All I need left is the matching bow/bonnet/beret, brown/cream OTKs, and a pair of elegant brown heels.
Here are some inspo pics for how I'd like to style this piece!:
Some other things I recently bought:
Innocent World Bambi Skirt: Pair with: Brown heels, creme/brown OTKs, brown beret, ivory or brown cardigan + blouse, ivory wristcuffs
BTSSB Ribbon Milky Sugar JSK: Pair with: Black RHS, white AP blouse, Black headdress, black parasol, black or white ruffle OTKs.
BTSSB Brown Clock Bag: Pair with Chess Chocolate OP, JeJ Maria OP.
4/13/25 ~ another list of my likes/dislikes.
i like
the sound of birds chirping and a warm breeze on a lovely spring day
people-watching and observing and analyzing others like crazy, quietly. this is a fun activity
peace and quiet. empty streets and libraries. a world slowed down: 3 AM in the morning
i dislike
obnoxious, boisterous, attention-seeking people who put up a front out of insecurity or narcissism
people who project onto me and force their worldviews on me
over-the-top overstimulating foods and desserts with 100 different toppings and condiments...
i'm currently reading eros the bittersweet by anne carson. i love this book so so incredibly much and it might be my favorite of all time. it puts into words the feeling of longing i have, the feeling of lack and desire and the "stirring up" of butterflies and emotions that cause a sort of "striving" that ends up leading me only to myself yet again. realizing that my desire for the other is the desire for the self, to look into the empty void in me and fill it with something profound and otherworldly.
4/10/25
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4/8/25 ~ things i like.
that fuzzy-brained barely-alive feeling when you've barely gotten any sleep and every moment feels like an eternal daydream. your sense of time no longer makes sense
romanticizing small and mundane things
the album: velocity : design : comfort...
4/8/25 ~ things i dislike.
being so stressed and anxious that i feel nauseous and want to throw up at every moment
the term "coquette"
"networking" and transactional relationships based on inauthenticity and personal gain. job fairs. corporate jargon.
4/8/25 ~ reality feels like a dream.
when your senses overwhelm you and you feel the moisture of the air, the dust particles and microbes sitting on your face, your little heart beating so fast, every sound in your vicinity amplified by 100, the strange feeling of being a human being with a frontal lobe. navigating between the reptilian, flight-or-fight, amygdala-ridden self, and the frontal lobe of higher faculties, fantasies, dreams, reflections. i am amazed at the concept of existence itself. this is a very enjoyable experience for me, actually.
3/29/2025 ~ i feel very lucky
i feel very lucky and fortunate for the things i have now and how my life is right now. it's ok to just "be"
3/26/2025 ~ [redacted]
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3/13/2025
the better i get at designing my neocities, the more dissatisfied i become with how my previous pages turned out and i want to re-do and re-design all of them! the only pages i am satisfied with so for are my welcome page, home page, about page, and calendar. i need to completely redo my library page because it doesn't go with my themes AT ALL and i regret that. I also need to redesign my wardrobe page to look more sophisticated and animated. i really need to get to taking photos of my coords and dresses so it all looks consistent. it's going to take a while for me to finally be satisifed and finished with my neocities. i only started in late january, so i've made a lot of progress so far. it just takes a while for me to finally feel satisifed. on top of that, i don't have ANY previous experience coding so i basically had to do a lot of trial and error to get things working. what helped was using other people code for templates and layouts, but still!
3/1/2025
i started reading the birth of the clinic by michel foucault today and i am really enjoying it. i keep starting different books and then losing interest in them, i hope this is not another case of that. i ended up taking a nap and dreamt i was having my work orientation except it was on a snowy mountain and i was stuck on a cliff next to the ocean.
2/28/2025
this video has been heavily resonating with me after a few events going on in my life and reflecting on how i want my life to be. i relate to him so much. i can't wait for the amount of growth and change i will inevitably experience from now until my 30's. there's so much to be learned, to be explored and experienced. i want to live for myself. on my own terms.
2/13/2025
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2/06/2025
i cannot stop listening to this song on repeat. it's so eerie. i want to listen to more idm, space ambient, and ambient dub like i used to when i would study for med surg nursing. more info coming once i put together my music page.
2/05/2025
i decided to go to the movies by myself to watch the brutalist directed by brady corbet. i wore my music note lolita coord and got to try out my atelier pierrot parasol for the first time!
the movie was long (about 4 hours total including the trailers) and i was immersed in it entirely. it felt like a shared experience since it was only me and one other woman in the whole theater. it was the first time i had experienced a 10 minute intermission scene in a movie as well (more time for me to get hot cheetos :3). this film was stressful for me because of its subject matter. seeing the prejudice that lászló tóth faces as he strives for the american dream, him internalizing it, manifesting in his drug addiction and abusive behavior... it affected me quite a bit. but that's a good thing, i like when films move me. i loved the archiectural details so much. the concrete, stone, the high ceilings pointing to divinity and holiness. it made me think of the book the poetics of space by gaston bachelard which has been on my reading list for a while and i'm going to start reading today. the second half of the film was kinda weak... especially the ending, and I think that detracted a bit from the core message of the film and lászló's struggles.
i realized yesterday that all i needed was a day to go out and dress up. i haven't been going out lately and that was what was contributing to my depression and anxious thought loops. i have to keep myself busy! i also got a good sign tonight: the manager who interviewed me reached out to my references! i'm hopeful that i get hired, but i'll still try and keep my expectations low. it's really hard to get hired as a new grad.
2/04/2025
:3 nvm i feel better
2/02/2025
"you can always tell someone's screen time from their outfit." -alexandra hildreth
as i get more and more into lolita fashion, it's becoming difficult for me to reconcile with the fact that many people indulge in fast fashion and tik tok trends without true care or regard for garments, materials, coording, labor, and quality. i feel myself becoming a bit of an elitist and I don't like that about myself, especially in regards to the egl community. i've been browsing lolcow a lot and as I lurk through ita threads and see "zoomer fashion" tik tok lolitas, it's making me feel even more alienated from those types of zoomers in the community. people can wear what they want but lolita is a substyle of fashion for a reason, and breaking fundamental EGL rules while only wearing aliexpress/amazon main pieces isn't respecting the fashion, especially when these chinese factories are stealing designs from independent creators. another issue is when people don't put any thought or care into how they're coording, and don't care to learn over time. one exception is if someone is completely new to the fashion.
for instance, this is one way for me to stay humble: i myself made many ita mistakes early on when my first "lolita" dress was an aliexpress mary magdalene OP rip off I got off of depop for $20. it was so poor quality that the colors started bleeding the moment I tried to wash it. i didn't even wear a petticoat, or OTKs with it... i'm REALLY embarrassed （─.─||）despite that, people actually loved seeing me wear it and liked my dress! but those people also weren't in the EGL community. and normies passing by can't tell the difference usually. i've learned a lot since then. i do think some of my hyperfixations are due to how immersed I am now in the way EGL lolitas think, how much careful consideration there is to detail. i think about the shape of the bows, if the colors and whites are the same shade, if the textures of the blouse and dress are matching, sticking with a theme, making sure to not have too many statement pieces, etc...
2/01/2025
today i finally sold my red Clockwork Tea Party Lumiere JSK. i'm going to be using the money to buy another one of my dream dresses: Dramatic Rose Special JSK in Lavender. i was actually able to sell it to someone locally who saw my listing on Lacemarket, and she said it was one of her dream dresses! it was such a lovely and beautiful dress but unfortunately the shade of red was bugging me as i either prefer a valentines-esque true red or a wine red. this one had was slightly closer to a brick red shade and combined with the golden motifs, i didn't feel that it suit my style. however, I still got to have cute memories in sf wearing this coord.
1) i wore it once on a date in sf, we took BART to the castro district to get breakfast, check some antique shops, and check out zgo Perfumery. before even getting breakfast, we spotted a mobile florist shop where he bought me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers that matched my outfit, and i got to carry it around all day and the bouquet lasted quite a while throughout the month ♡ at castro a photographer even stopped me to take a photo of me, and so many people loved my outfit and were complimenting me as i was just walking and existing. after that we walked all the way to pizza delfina and ate our pizza together at dolores park until it got dark. then we walked to dandelion chocolate and enjoyed some hot chocolate together before we headed to the roxie to watch tarsem singh's The Fall. We both loved the movie and had so much fun watching it :3 it was such a lovely day.
2) i also wore my clockwork tea party coord to go watch the nutcracker with my friends at the war memorial opera house. i was feeling particularly emotional unstable and stressed that day, and i was secrelty sobbing and crying throughout the play both because of its beauty, and my own pent up emotions of which i felt no other outlet to express since i was with my friends. it felt so good to cry, i cried during waltz of the flowers and it was one of the most breathtakingly beautiful things i've ever experienced. call me cliche or sentimental. i had so much pent up emotions that exploded in that moment, also because it's one of my favorite classical pieces of all time and hearing it in person was the tipping point for me. after the ballet, we went to go take photos at fairmont hotel, which was completely decked out in luminous christmas decor including a giant gingerbread house and a magnificent christmas tree. it felt like a dream. i felt like a character out of a storybook, as if i myself could have been baking and decorating with icing during the construction of the gingerbread house :3 i'm so glad my friend K suggested the bar we went to next. it was called top of the mark and the espresso martini i had was delicious. i got pretty tipsy. we had such a pretty view of the city while having fun conversations.
1/31/2025
today i had my first RN interview in the ***** unit at ********. i only had 1 day to prepare for it so yesterday was pretty stressful and hectic for me. ever since i received the phone call that i would interview the next day, i spent every waking hour studying as many patient scenario questions as i could and rehearsed typical nursing interview questions such as “tell me about yourself,” “why did you choose this unit,” etc. pretty routine stuff for interviews. i’m really exceited to become a nurse and finally become financially independent. i have so many new things to look forward to. i want to travel with my friends and live with my partner someday, and i want the finances to build my dream wardrobe and partake in my hobbies fully. i think i did really well in my interview, but I’ve also accepted that it’s ok if I don't get hired for this position either. i am a new grad after all and it's really competitive. i’ll just keep applying myself. other than that, i've been having fun trying to figure out how to design my blog.
