i have updated my diary to where viewers will now see a "[redacted for privacy]" on a few of my entries which were previously public. i have decided i will no longer be posting on this page as i have had online stalkers and people viewing my page who i am not comfortable knowing details about my life. i know very well how easy it is to find out many things about a person online and digital footprints, i always have kept this in mind during my time making this blog. i've realized this year how much i love expressing myself creatively but at the same time i am intensely private because of how easily people are quick to judge me, or make inaccurate assumptions about me while barely knowing me. the people in my life i am close to, i am so grateful for and they truly understand me and appreciate my quirks.

as for my diary, i will be having a private one now only for myself that will not be on neocites. honestly, this is much better for me as i will have more freedom to write what i want without a feeling of being watched or perceived, and i've already been doing so anyways. i use statcounter to track who has been visiting my site. it shows the IP address, city/state, and page activity such as which links they clicked through and how much time is spent on my page. usually i used this to track my relevance on neocities but i noticed certain recurring visitors who i realized were stalking me. someone i know irl was visiting my page an unhealthy amount of times (in the hundreds, visiting every single day even when i wouldn't update my page for weeks) and forced himself into me and my friends hangout when i just want men to leave me alone and i wanted one-on-one time with my girl friend, and it felt so uncomfortable but i didn't want to upset my girl friend since she seemed to be friends with him. also, another creep from my high school started sexually harassing me again and i blocked him instantly, but it makes me extremely uncomfortable that him and people like him could have access to details of my life so easily. it's not just men though, there a few ex-friends i have who i wouldn't feel comfy viewing my page, which is also why i changed my neocities username.

i love expressing myself, i love writing, but men prove how unsafe a choice it is to blog publically. i will also be deleting my photo diary

"Thou shalt not wear raschel-topped socks with a torchon lace blouse"

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i haven't been reading any books lately, as i seem to have misplaced my kindle. i'm realizing i vastly prefer non-fiction over fiction but the tradeoff is that non-fiction is more difficult for me to digest and takes longer for me to read. i like the idea of being the type of girl who reads fiction books by kafka and dostoevsky, but naturally i gravitate more towards neitszche, simone de beauvoir, freude, and carl jung... i love love love existential philosophy and psychoanalysis.

i'm really excited to go to fanime tomorrow for the j-fashion / lolita event! i'm debating whether i should wear my Symphonia of Birds coord or my Dream Fantastic Balloon coord. I'm hoping to buy a few accessories + jewelry, attend the EGL fashion show, take lots of pics, and go to an underground rave after.

"you're too nice, you're too sweet"

my response: everything in our society is designed to destroy compassion and empathy because if you suddenly understood all the suffering in the world and your interconnectedness to it all, you'd fall to your knees and weep in the streets.

you said my stare was too intense. i stare because i want to see you, i want my pupils to be your nest. i want your pupils to be my nest. i want to crawl inside you so that you finally understand. so that we're not alone. so that you finally see me. my deepest need is to be seen, because i see everything

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in terms of "practical adult life", i have become aware of how unabashedly horrible with money i am. first, i have a shopping addiction, and before working i would usually thrift with the little allowance i had. now, i have an income and in the span of one week i have spent over $1000 on fashion alone, here is what i bought:

List in order:
• Moi Meme Moitie Lace Pattern OTKs ~ $49
• Dolls Party - Newspaper Doll Pillowcase purse ~ $30
• BTSSB Little Red Riding Hood Rosy Cape ~ $76
• Black Peace Now Bustier Vest ~ $108
• L'est Rose Fairycore Babydoll Dress ~ $66
• Irregular Choice Women's Brown Boots ~ $551
• Moi Meme Moitie Cotton Lace Pintuck OP ~ $294
• Metamorphose Flower Lace Coat with Cape ~ $96
• Generaiderz Magazine Issue 3 ~ $30

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i'm gonna throw up i PAID $400 FOR CHOCOLATE CHESS STORY OP. this is my most expensive purchase yet... ;-;.. i can't believe i can finally afford this. So far I have matching brown wristcuffs and a matching brown BTSSB clock purse. All I need left is the matching bow/bonnet/beret, brown/cream OTKs, and a pair of elegant brown heels.

Here are some inspo pics for how I'd like to style this piece!:

Some other things I recently bought:
• Innocent World Bambi Skirt: Pair with: Brown heels, creme/brown OTKs, brown beret, ivory or brown cardigan + blouse, ivory wristcuffs
• BTSSB Ribbon Milky Sugar JSK: Pair with: Black RHS, white AP blouse, Black headdress, black parasol, black or white ruffle OTKs.
• BTSSB Brown Clock Bag: Pair with Chess Chocolate OP, JeJ Maria OP.

i like
• the sound of birds chirping and a warm breeze on a lovely spring day
• people-watching and observing and analyzing others like crazy, quietly. this is a fun activity
• peace and quiet. empty streets and libraries. a world slowed down: 3 AM in the morning

i dislike
• obnoxious, boisterous, attention-seeking people who put up a front out of insecurity or narcissism
• people who project onto me and force their worldviews on me
• over-the-top overstimulating foods and desserts with 100 different toppings and condiments...

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oh look! i found my old blog

i'm currently reading eros the bittersweet by anne carson. i love this book so so incredibly much and it might be my favorite of all time. it puts into words the feeling of longing i have, the feeling of lack and desire and the "stirring up" of butterflies and emotions that cause a sort of "striving" that ends up leading me only to myself yet again. realizing that my desire for the other is the desire for the self, to look into the empty void in me and fill it with something profound and otherworldly.

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• that fuzzy-brained barely-alive feeling when you've barely gotten any sleep and every moment feels like an eternal daydream. your sense of time no longer makes sense
• romanticizing small and mundane things
• the album: velocity : design : comfort...

• being so stressed and anxious that i feel nauseous and want to throw up at every moment
• the term "coquette"
• "networking" and transactional relationships based on inauthenticity and personal gain. job fairs. corporate jargon.

when your senses overwhelm you and you feel the moisture of the air, the dust particles and microbes sitting on your face, your little heart beating so fast, every sound in your vicinity amplified by 100, the strange feeling of being a human being with a frontal lobe. navigating between the reptilian, flight-or-fight, amygdala-ridden self, and the frontal lobe of higher faculties, fantasies, dreams, reflections. i am amazed at the concept of existence itself. this is a very enjoyable experience for me, actually.

i feel very lucky and fortunate for the things i have now and how my life is right now. it's ok to just "be"

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the better i get at designing my neocities, the more dissatisfied i become with how my previous pages turned out and i want to re-do and re-design all of them! the only pages i am satisfied with so for are my welcome page, home page, about page, and calendar. i need to completely redo my library page because it doesn't go with my themes AT ALL and i regret that. I also need to redesign my wardrobe page to look more sophisticated and animated. i really need to get to taking photos of my coords and dresses so it all looks consistent. it's going to take a while for me to finally be satisifed and finished with my neocities. i only started in late january, so i've made a lot of progress so far. it just takes a while for me to finally feel satisifed. on top of that, i don't have ANY previous experience coding so i basically had to do a lot of trial and error to get things working. what helped was using other people code for templates and layouts, but still!

i started reading the birth of the clinic by michel foucault today and i am really enjoying it. i keep starting different books and then losing interest in them, i hope this is not another case of that. i ended up taking a nap and dreamt i was having my work orientation except it was on a snowy mountain and i was stuck on a cliff next to the ocean.

this video has been heavily resonating with me after a few events going on in my life and reflecting on how i want my life to be. i relate to him so much. i can't wait for the amount of growth and change i will inevitably experience from now until my 30's. there's so much to be learned, to be explored and experienced. i want to live for myself. on my own terms.

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i cannot stop listening to this song on repeat. it's so eerie. i want to listen to more idm, space ambient, and ambient dub like i used to when i would study for med surg nursing. more info coming once i put together my music page.

i decided to go to the movies by myself to watch the brutalist directed by brady corbet. i wore my music note lolita coord and got to try out my atelier pierrot parasol for the first time!

the movie was long (about 4 hours total including the trailers) and i was immersed in it entirely. it felt like a shared experience since it was only me and one other woman in the whole theater. it was the first time i had experienced a 10 minute intermission scene in a movie as well (more time for me to get hot cheetos :3). this film was stressful for me because of its subject matter. seeing the prejudice that lászló tóth faces as he strives for the american dream, him internalizing it, manifesting in his drug addiction and abusive behavior... it affected me quite a bit. but that's a good thing, i like when films move me. i loved the archiectural details so much. the concrete, stone, the high ceilings pointing to divinity and holiness. it made me think of the book the poetics of space by gaston bachelard which has been on my reading list for a while and i'm going to start reading today. the second half of the film was kinda weak... especially the ending, and I think that detracted a bit from the core message of the film and lászló's struggles.

i realized yesterday that all i needed was a day to go out and dress up. i haven't been going out lately and that was what was contributing to my depression and anxious thought loops. i have to keep myself busy! i also got a good sign tonight: the manager who interviewed me reached out to my references! i'm hopeful that i get hired, but i'll still try and keep my expectations low. it's really hard to get hired as a new grad.

:3 nvm i feel better

"you can always tell someone's screen time from their outfit." -alexandra hildreth

as i get more and more into lolita fashion, it's becoming difficult for me to reconcile with the fact that many people indulge in fast fashion and tik tok trends without true care or regard for garments, materials, coording, labor, and quality. i feel myself becoming a bit of an elitist and I don't like that about myself, especially in regards to the egl community. i've been browsing lolcow a lot and as I lurk through ita threads and see "zoomer fashion" tik tok lolitas, it's making me feel even more alienated from those types of zoomers in the community. people can wear what they want but lolita is a substyle of fashion for a reason, and breaking fundamental EGL rules while only wearing aliexpress/amazon main pieces isn't respecting the fashion, especially when these chinese factories are stealing designs from independent creators. another issue is when people don't put any thought or care into how they're coording, and don't care to learn over time. one exception is if someone is completely new to the fashion.

for instance, this is one way for me to stay humble: i myself made many ita mistakes early on when my first "lolita" dress was an aliexpress mary magdalene OP rip off I got off of depop for $20. it was so poor quality that the colors started bleeding the moment I tried to wash it. i didn't even wear a petticoat, or OTKs with it... i'm REALLY embarrassed （─.─||）despite that, people actually loved seeing me wear it and liked my dress! but those people also weren't in the EGL community. and normies passing by can't tell the difference usually. i've learned a lot since then. i do think some of my hyperfixations are due to how immersed I am now in the way EGL lolitas think, how much careful consideration there is to detail. i think about the shape of the bows, if the colors and whites are the same shade, if the textures of the blouse and dress are matching, sticking with a theme, making sure to not have too many statement pieces, etc...

today i finally sold my red Clockwork Tea Party Lumiere JSK. i'm going to be using the money to buy another one of my dream dresses: Dramatic Rose Special JSK in Lavender. i was actually able to sell it to someone locally who saw my listing on Lacemarket, and she said it was one of her dream dresses! it was such a lovely and beautiful dress but unfortunately the shade of red was bugging me as i either prefer a valentines-esque true red or a wine red. this one had was slightly closer to a brick red shade and combined with the golden motifs, i didn't feel that it suit my style. however, I still got to have cute memories in sf wearing this coord.

1) i wore it once on a date in sf, we took BART to the castro district to get breakfast, check some antique shops, and check out zgo Perfumery. before even getting breakfast, we spotted a mobile florist shop where he bought me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers that matched my outfit, and i got to carry it around all day and the bouquet lasted quite a while throughout the month ♡ at castro a photographer even stopped me to take a photo of me, and so many people loved my outfit and were complimenting me as i was just walking and existing. after that we walked all the way to pizza delfina and ate our pizza together at dolores park until it got dark. then we walked to dandelion chocolate and enjoyed some hot chocolate together before we headed to the roxie to watch tarsem singh's The Fall. We both loved the movie and had so much fun watching it :3 it was such a lovely day.

2) i also wore my clockwork tea party coord to go watch the nutcracker with my friends at the war memorial opera house. i was feeling particularly emotional unstable and stressed that day, and i was secrelty sobbing and crying throughout the play both because of its beauty, and my own pent up emotions of which i felt no other outlet to express since i was with my friends. it felt so good to cry, i cried during waltz of the flowers and it was one of the most breathtakingly beautiful things i've ever experienced. call me cliche or sentimental. i had so much pent up emotions that exploded in that moment, also because it's one of my favorite classical pieces of all time and hearing it in person was the tipping point for me. after the ballet, we went to go take photos at fairmont hotel, which was completely decked out in luminous christmas decor including a giant gingerbread house and a magnificent christmas tree. it felt like a dream. i felt like a character out of a storybook, as if i myself could have been baking and decorating with icing during the construction of the gingerbread house :3 i'm so glad my friend K suggested the bar we went to next. it was called top of the mark and the espresso martini i had was delicious. i got pretty tipsy. we had such a pretty view of the city while having fun conversations.

today i had my first RN interview in the ***** unit at ********. i only had 1 day to prepare for it so yesterday was pretty stressful and hectic for me. ever since i received the phone call that i would interview the next day, i spent every waking hour studying as many patient scenario questions as i could and rehearsed typical nursing interview questions such as “tell me about yourself,” “why did you choose this unit,” etc. pretty routine stuff for interviews. i’m really exceited to become a nurse and finally become financially independent. i have so many new things to look forward to. i want to travel with my friends and live with my partner someday, and i want the finances to build my dream wardrobe and partake in my hobbies fully. i think i did really well in my interview, but I’ve also accepted that it’s ok if I don't get hired for this position either. i am a new grad after all and it's really competitive. i’ll just keep applying myself. other than that, i've been having fun trying to figure out how to design my blog.